Fighting in the family:
Fighting add spice to the married life; no one can live on smiles, love and hugs all through their lives. When you are an individual and holds an independent view on things, is capable of making your own decisions and you are living with an individual who has got his own way of approach to life; well, it’s natural that clash arises when one refuse to see the other’s point of view on things and situations.
Rather fighting is the most natural thing that happens in any household: whether it is with your parents, life partner, children and other family members, fighting do happen.
There are two ways of handling the situation. Either, you fight to win or you fight to find a common solution to the issue in hand.
By fighting to win, you really are fighting to loose. By hurting your partner or your family members time and again, you may win the fight, but you will loose the battle!
Fighting with the others:
Unlike in marriage and with the other members of the family, the fight with the outside world needs less caution and more spirit in fighting. Or is it so?
Fighting with any one, whether it is with someone from within the family or with someone from outside the family, invariably leaves a bitter taste on the minds of the involved parties.
Fighting should have a component of dignity in it; it should not become a time-pass factor to the others like watching a street play or an opera!
Certain tips are given below with the main purpose of managing the fighting in your life:
1. Fighting is momentary: Always remember that the fighting is momentary .There is always an underlying reason for the fight to happen, which generally doesn’t surface into the argument due to one reason or the other; describe your emotions clearly, instead of fighting back and forth without getting into the real cause of the fight.
3. Don’t play the blame game: Don’t use the blanket blame phrases like, ‘you are insensitive, irresponsible, impossible; ‘you are always like this’, ‘you don’t help me at all’ and ‘you don’t stand by me’ etc.
If you are emotionally hurt, talk about your emotions and not about the other person’s personality or attributes.
4. Forward and Accept Suggestions: Suggest to your partner a solution for the cause of the fight and listen carefully to his suggestion on the solution from his side.
Try to find a mid-way that would suit both of you to end the fight smoothly. It should never be either your way or highway sort of the thing!
5. Show respect to your partner: Do not start listing out the weaknesses of your partner while fighting. That would intensify the fighting and would increase the mutual hurt. Apologize instantly if you are in the wrong and mend the relationship immediately.
6. Listen to his inner cry: Sometimes, fighting starts not because of the present situation, but because it triggers up some unwanted hurt or anger from the past. Listen to the inner cry of your partner and find a solution to his past hurts.
7. Appropriate timing: Fight should never be started at the time when your partner is getting ready for the office, working on some projects, is about to retire for the night; while the guests are staying at your home or in front of your children. You should be sensitive to the timing of the fight.
Don’t use words like always, never, hopeless, fit for nothing, can’t expect anything from you etc.
Don’t indulge in character assassination
Don’t assume you are on the right without knowing the full facts
Don’t use below the belt tactics
Don’t compare the person with the others and insult him
Don’t assume an aggressive body posture
Don’t mention the word, “Divorce” while fighting with your life partner.
Don’t sulk or stop talking once the fight is over
9. Conquer and Last Word: Fighting is not a country to be conquered and it is not necessary that you should have the last word in the fight before storming out of the room or slamming down the receiver.
Show maturity and walk away with a purpose of bringing in some water to your partner or putting away the phone simply because you want to give some cool off space between both of you.
Q. I and my husband fights over everything; right from the remote control of the TV till the upbringing of our children. We can never converse after the first five minutes. We only fight and I feel bad and would like to end our way of fighting on every little thing. How to go about this?
- There seems to be an underlining conflict in your fights. It could be an emotional hurt, anger or any other unresolved issue from your pasts that comes out so negatively in your daily life and in your mutual dealings.
- You need to dig deep into your consciousness and should find out the real reason for the constant imbalance in your relationship. Try to adjust wherever possible. Give him space and listen to his inner cries.
- It’s better to take the help of a trained professional to resolve your mutual emotional issues.
Learn to argue effectively and listen actively.
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”
- Mahatma Gandhi